You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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