She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
ugly people sure do ruin things
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
