Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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