dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
