$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
