My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
