I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
