jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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