I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
what is it with giant penises always finding me
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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