just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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