Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
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I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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