Someone shit on the floor
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
