I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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