youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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