Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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