what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
