It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
