I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I need a beard to bite.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
