So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.