I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable