The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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