I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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