Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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