I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
