Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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