As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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