I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
