i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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