People with herpes should wear stickers.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
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