Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
