I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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