Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
