I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
