I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
