remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
