i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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