Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
