Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
