I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
