It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
