new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We need a shit load of segways right now
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
