Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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