Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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