funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
me + whiskey = a bad person
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
