I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Randomize
