she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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