Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
