1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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