Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
