My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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