the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
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But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
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He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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