help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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