I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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