I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
