yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
