Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
