I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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