I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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