Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This show inspires me to have sex in space
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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