how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
